God's System Update
By Ryan Matejka
Little Rebecca was the first person to hear the voice of God in over 2,000 years.
She lay in bed, tucked neatly under the covers with her stuffed bear clenched between her arm and side, with her hands clapsed as she said her nightly prayer.
"And thank you for mommy, and thank you for daddy, and please help me with tomorrow's spelling test."
"IT WILL BE MY PLEASURE" a great voice boomed to nobody but her.
Rebecca's eyes shot open, startled. The voice had been loud and clear as if someone were shouting directly into her eardrum, yet it did not hurt to hear at all. In fact, hearing the voice felt more soothing than the bed covers and teddy bear were combined. What's more was that, when she looked around her room - illuminated only by the small, dim mermaid nightlight in the corner - there was nobody there.
Nervously, Rebecca shut her eyes again, held her hands together, and asked, "God? Is that you?"
"YES IT IS I, YOUR CREATOR AND THE CREATOR OF ALL THINGS. THE ONE YOU CALL GOD. THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA. THE BEGINNING AND-"
Frightened, Rebecca let her hands go and instead propelled herself up in bed. The moment she did, the voice stopped. No echo. No sign of it at all. She searched her room yet again, this time getting up, turning the light on, and checking under the bed and in the closet. Nothing. Nobody was there.
Cautiously, she crawled back onto her bed, keeping the light of her bedroom on and sitting cross-legged atop her overturned comforter, then clasping her hands again in prayer.
"-OF ALL THAT IS AND WILL BE. I AM THE ONE TRUE KING. THE HOPE FOR MANKIND. THE-"
"Excuse me," Rebecca interrupted, hesitantly.
"YES MY CHILD?" the voice boomed.
"If you're God, why are you speaking to me now?"
"I'M TRYING OUT THE COMMUNICATIONS FIX I JUST INSTALLED. IT'S BEEN GLITCHY FOR THE PAST FEW MILLENNIA. CAN YOU HEAR ME ALRIGHT?"
Rebecca cocked her head to the side, confused. "Glitchy?" she asked.
"YES. I JUST INSTALLED THIS PATCH I'VE BEEN PUTTING OFF AND IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING MARVELOUSLY! LOADS OF NEW FEATURES. LOTS OF BUG FIXES."
"RIGHT. YOU KNOW, LIKE AIDS AND THE ISSUE WITH THE OVERHEATING. I'D MEANT TO PATCH THOSE TWO OUT YEARS AGO, BUT I HATE TO RESTART THE SYSTEM."
"God, I don't understand," Rebecca said. "You couldn't fix those things before?"
"WELL, YOU SEE, CERTAIN FEATURES BREAK DOWN OVER TIME AND NEED TO BE REPAIRED. IT'S AN OLD SYSTEM I'M RUNNING, AFTER ALL. 4.543 BILLION YEARS, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY - OR WAS IT 10,000 YEARS? I KEEP FORGETTING. ANYWAY, IT'S ALL GOOD NOW. LOOKS LIKE THE LATEST UPDATE WAS INSTALLED WITHOUT A HITCH. YOU CAN GO BACK TO BED NOW."
"But God?" Rebecca asked, shyly.
"YES MY CHILD?"
Rebecca thought hard about what she wanted to say, fearing that this might be the only chance she would ever get to speak directly to the supreme being. After all, God seemed a bit lazy, and the system a bit shoddy.
At first she thought about all the presents she wanted for her birthday, and considered asking Him for some. Then she thought about heaven, and considered asking if Grandma was up there watching her. Then she thought about all the dreams she had for the future, and considered asking who she might marry. Then she thought about all the stupid boys she wanted to eat poop and die, and considered asking God to help make that happen for her.
With the final words in her head, Rebecca shut her eyes as tight as she could, pressed her hands together, and said; "God? If it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you give Grandpa good dreams about him and Grandma tonight?"
Eyes shut and hands clasped together, Rebecca waited and listened eagerly for a response. Instead, she was immediately overcome with a feeling of warmth throughout every inch of her body, and from outside her shut eyes she could sense her room being bathed in a majestic glow of golden light too intense for any lightbulb or LED. Taking this as a sign of affirmation, a smile spread across her face. She bowed her head down to her hands, and said "amen."