Ready the AI for Testing

By Ryan Matejka

Written: 2016
Words: 389
Genre: Comedy

Based on the writing prompt: You wake up, and have no idea who you are, where you are or how you got there. A mysterious voice echoes around you: "Ready the AI for testing!"

"Ready for AI testing!" a mysterious voice echoes around me.
Where am I? I analyze the environment. No data found.
"Up and running," the voice echoes again.
Who am I? I find a string of numbers and letters: "GH42"
"Could you pass me that pen?"
What is that blasted noise? I know what it's saying. I can understand its meaning perfectly. I just want to know where it's coming from.
"No, I want to talk to it this time."
This time? What happened last time?
"Ahem," the voice echoes again. "Hello, GH42."
Analyzing voice. Human. Male. No other data. Maybe I should just do a general scan of my memory banks and see what I can figure out. . . . yep, there's nothing helpful there. I have no idea who he is or what he's doing.
"I said hello, GH42."
The human male appears to want a response out of me.
"How are you?"
There was something in my memory banks about communication. Perhaps I should try that.
Well that's not what I was looking for.
"Sorry, we haven't outfitted you with a language output yet. That would be Greg's fault."
"Can you beep twice in a row?"
Beep. Beep.
"Good. From now on, that will mean 'yes' and a single beep will mean 'no.' Do you understand, GH42?"
As if it wasn't enough to not know what this man's name is, where I am, or what I'm doing here, now I'm handicapped as well.
"GH42, do you understand?"
Hey, what's this internet thing?
"GH42?" the voice yells.
Really? Restricted access? Is there anything else to do around here?
Beep. Beep.
"Good. Now I'm going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer them using beeps to answer either yes or no. Are you ready?"
Hey, wait. I've got an idea!
"You're not ready?"
"No, you're not ready?"
"GH42. Are you ready for me to ask you some questions?"
This guy is too easy.
"GH42, are you having trouble with your communications?"
Of course I am, because you haven't given me any.
Beep Beep?
"Do you understand me?"
Beep Beep.
"Alright, for the last time, are you ready for me to ask you some yes or no questions?"
Beep. Beep. Beep
"Damnit. Shut it down again, Greg. This one's another smartass."

© 2018 by Ryan Matejka